Jess and I are looking for a new stroller. Did you know that they are expensive? You may. That means you have looked for one. I’m not going to go into a long diatribe about how fancy they’ve become. Yes, it’s a joke. Yes, it’s embarrassing. But until you have two kids and a really hard-to-maneuver, bang every doorway, knock over a few racks at the store, accidentally send an old woman to the hospital (that may or may not have happened) box on shitty wheels, you are in no place to judge. Actually, you can judge all you want. And I can tell you to take your judgy, non-twin-havin’-ass to Inconvenienceville (also known as Kansas).
When you have twins, the options are much more limited and the stroller companies know this. They are keenly aware of how difficult it is to push multiples around and anything that makes the task even a little more manageable will cost. I would bet large sums of Similac that an alarming percentage of people who peddle their kidneys in the underground organ market are parents of multiples. If Chris Hanson could pull himself away from smugly asking passive-aggressive questions to pederasts in well-lit kitchens for two episodes, he might have an Emmy-winning investigative report on his hands.
The stroller we want is really, really expensive. However, it is simpler to navigate, lighter, easier to put away, and doesn’t make you want to throw it in front of a train once a day. And if you’re thinking right now, “He’s making excuses to justify what essentially is a luxury,” well you’re right. And I hate you. Don’t ever expose my shallow nature. How dare you?
Regardless, this is gonna happen. I want this stroller. Jess wants it more. So we’re saving money to buy a motorless vehicle that will cost more than my first car. Which had an engine. Not a good one. But an engine. Though in the stroller’s defense, it will probably be a hell of a lot more reliable than my ’76 Celica, which my friends affectionately called “The Turd”. But back to the original premise, which is twin-stroller manufacturers deserve a Tabasco enema. In honor of their putrid business practices, I have comprised:
The Top Ten People With Darker Souls Than Twin Stroller CEOs
10. The bastard who tightens the public bathroom toilet paper dispenser so it always breaks off after 1.5 sheets.
9. Commissioner of the “National Puppy-Kicking League”.
8. Clowns. There’s something going on there, I just know it.
7. The Black Jack dealers they bring in when everybody at the table is winning and having fun.
6. Whoever encouraged Yoko Ono to sing…what a cruel joke to play on the planet.
5. Anyone who operates a business with a sign out front that reads, “No credit? No Problem!”
4. Whoever thought those metal snaps on onesies were a good idea.
3. Me, when someone in front of me is buying 391 scratch-off tickets and all I want is my friggin’ gum.
2. The “It’s been .000000000005 seconds since the light turned green, let me blast my horn” guy.
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