The devious lengths to which our enemies will stoop know no morally bankrupt bounds. Torture-inducing spies have always been a part of global espionage, but rarely---and do your homework, this is true---have children ever been employed to carry out master plans. But Jess and I come to the ultimate conclusion that Jackson and Logan were “gotten-to” by our enemies and are a part of a devious scheme to sleep-deprive us to the point of vulnerability.
Sound like the ranting of a tin-foil hat-wearing lunatic who shoves marbles up his ass to jam information-stealing signals from Central Command? Perhaps. But crazy people can sometimes be dead-on accurate. It is worth noting that this is being written at 4:44 in the morning Eastern time. Easily the 40th straight day that one of us have been up at this time. Below I will present rock-solid theories to back up this claim. Read fast…”they” don’t want you to see this and the entire blog may disappear within moments.
Background
It is not uncommon for babies to wake up several times throughout the night. But at some point in mid-June both children began making it all the way through. How glorious! For two weeks straight, Jess and I were the owners of lucid brains and rested bodies. A change had come, and perhaps our nights of displeasure would be limited to my shortcomings in another department. But just as we began to grow accustomed to sleeping like normal human beings, Logan started waking up again. Usually around midnight.
The Conversion
What happened? Why the change? These two were clearly enjoying their newfound sleeping patterns. So were we. A happier family you simply could not find. Something changed. Instantly. We had just moved into our temporary summer housing in a lovely two-bedroom suite at a hotel. I noticed that this extended-stay accommodation housed many folks who appeared to be government employees attending “conferences”. It is my theory that we ended up at this particular hotel on purpose, so our babies could be recruited. Please be clear, I am not necessarily saying they were from our government….just a government. But someone orchestrated the whole thing. This much is obvious.
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| "This is easier than I thought!" |
“Oh how could you assume such a thing?” you may be asking? To which I respond by saying, “Wake up and smell the conspiracy you hopeless sheep!” Someone got to our boys! Don’t roll your fucking eyes at me. It happened!!! Possibly through mind control. The hotel served breakfast every morning and dinner twice a week. We were down in the common area several times a week. The suspicious official-looking types were there “enjoying meals” at the same time we were. Let me tell you guinea pigs something, the only thing they were digesting were Jackson and Logan’s thought-processes. The kids never left our sight, so there must have been some sort of brainwave technology they used to reprogram the boys’ sleeping patterns.
Not long after the boys stopped sleeping through, the folks we always noticed at breakfast and dinner…WERE GONE!! They likely monitored the sleeping patterns and left once their slumber assault had taken root. Filthy bastards.
The Techniques
The scum-sucking rats gave Logan the shit-end of this deal. He has been the worst. Often around midnight, he starts whining. It sounds like there is discomfort. Perhaps gas. Or maybe he’s hungry. So believable. I mean this child could be nominated for an Oscar. Those sons-of-bitches have trained him well. We feed him in the middle of the night and that calms him for a while. But usually an hour or two later, his spy masters send signals to his brain to wake up again. This is when we bring him into bed to soothe him.
Which is exactly what “they” want. Now he’s at close range and employs the “fidget technique”. He doesn’t really whine…he just grunts. And emits tiny moans. And thrashes. And kicks. Then sleeps for 10 minutes. Repeat. Just annoying enough to ensure you don’t get a full night’s sleep.
For a while, we thought Logan was the only infiltrated child. But apparently, the wrong-doers placed some sort of time-release mechanism in Jackson’s brain. Recently he started waking up around 4AM. He doesn’t cry…just the opposite. He loudly coos and giggles and slams his feet into the floor of his bed, which rests at the foot of our bed. While not sounds of sadness, they are sounds. Because he sounds so cute, we can’t get mad at him, nor do we discourage it. Regardless, we’re kept up by this, as well. Another slice of spy-greatness. We are welcoming their disruption.
Conclusion
It’s a brilliant plan. Bravo, bastard-people, bravo. Your foul attempt at ruining the dark hours of the morning is indeed working like a charm. What do these spies stand to gain by keeping us awake? As mentioned, we are now vulnerable. To what? We haven’t quite figured that out yet. But I think they may be toy company spies working on us now so when the kids are old enough to be bribed, that we will offer them toys in exchange for sleep. Or perhaps our children were compromised by the makers of Ny-Quil. That shit will render you oblivious to a drive-by, let alone a twitchy baby. We are close to buying a case of it and keeping it chilled by the nightstand the moment we hear the first, “Wahhhh.”
Who knows, why this is being done to us really? But I know these wacked out ideas are more than just the ramblings of someone who has recently turned unstable. They are the truth. It’s out there? No it’s RIGHT HERE! I could tell you more, but there’s a whining spy in the other room. This message will self-destruct in 5….4…3…2…
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| It's only nuts if it's not true! |
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