Our Story: Part IV

This is the final installment of our journey through infertility. Click here to see Part I, Part II, and Part III.

“Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock”

It was probably the longest day of our lives: Tuesday, July 13, 2010. The day after we took our niece Hailey back to the airport, Jess had to go to the doctor’s office and get her blood drawn. In that vile was the most important information either of us would ever receive.  We would find out the results some time after 12PM. Before I left for work, Jess and I decided to cut off all contact with one another after 11AM. Regardless of what the results were, we wanted to share the news face-to-face. I don’t remember how heavy my workload was that day, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t do much. Any tasks I did complete were likely substandard. All I could think about was whether or not there was a child in my wife’s belly when I got home. And if not, how lonely and sad she must be.

I rushed out of work a few minutes before 4:00 and drove home faster than I’d ever driven. The 50 minute commute took just over 40 (not bad in Boston traffic). I pulled into the driveway and held my breath. This was it. As I walked through the door the pressure built in my chest, and my breathing became rapid. What was waiting for me on the other side of that door? A celebration or a black cloud?  I walked through the front door to see Jess standing by the couch, waiting for me. On it, was a teddy bear wearing a baby-sized St. Louis Cardinals t-shirt (my favorite baseball team). “We’re pregnant,” she said through a smile and tears. We collapsed into each other’s arms, laughing and crying for several minutes. It hardly seemed possible. The t-shirt Jess bought two years earlier---which had she stashed away---finally came out of hiding. She used to pull it out every now and then, hoping for the day she could give it to me. The day had come. At long last, the day had come.

“But Wait, There’s More”

As you may remember, Jess was implanted with two eggs. The more eggs you implant, the better the chances of coming away with a pregnancy. That can also increase your chance of twins. So that was the next thing we were waiting to find out. After eight weeks, we got our answer.  Jess and I went to the doctor’s office for an ultrasound, not expecting to get the news we received. We were told it would be around 10 weeks before the possibility of multiples could be determined. But within a minute of the ultrasound, the nurse exclaimed, “I see two sacks!”

 Well, that’s that. We had always hoped to have two children, but as infertility reared its ugly head, we had made peace with having just one. Now, we were going to get what we always wanted…within nine months. We left excited as could be, but also realized that this was going to change things dramatically. Our expenses would double, our free time would decrease infinitely, and the task of being first-time parents would become utterly insane. But after all the shit we had to go through, there was no convincing us then (or now) that this wasn’t the perfect situation.

“I Just Love Them So Much”

For the most part, Jess’ pregnancy was perfect. Physically, her vitals were great the entire way: blood pressure, blood sugar, etc. were fantastic. She experienced the typical back pains, trouble sleeping, nausea, fatigue, and other pregnancy-related ailments. However there was one incident that brought all of our fears and pessimism back to the forefront.

Late in the summer, Jess and I hosted a family reunion for her father’s side of the family. There was much to celebrate that weekend, as we told them we were pregnant. We wanted to wait the customary 13 weeks, but much of this weekend involves beer, and they might have figured something was awry by Jess’ “just say no” approach to fermented hops…all weekend long.

Saturday is usually the night when folks stay up quite late to drink, tell stories and laugh until the wee hours of the morning. Jess battled nausea all day and was absolutely tired. She went to bed early, but I opted to stay up. At around midnight, Jess came down from the bedroom, to the patio where the rest of us were. She silently motioned for me to come inside. She looked bad. Scared. Very scared.  “I’m bleeding,” she moaned, “a lot.” My heart sank.

Luckily my stomach was off that night and had only a couple of beers, the last of which was around 9:00. Otherwise someone else would have had to drive us to the emergency room. I explained to the folks who were awake what was going on and jumped in the car. Jess was crying, while I hung on by a thread. To this day, I’ll never forget the words she said to me as I drove. “I just love them so much.” Our children were no bigger than a quarter, but we loved them. They were our babies and we couldn’t lose them.

We spent the next four or five hours in the emergency room wondering what was wrong. Hoping we were still parents-to-be. Eventually, we were reassured that the babies were fine. The bleeding had no effect on them. We were released and drove home weary. These kids were quite a ways from being born and already we knew what it meant to love them more than anything else in the world. We felt like we dodged a bullet that night, but it certainly put us on edge for the rest of the pregnancy.

“The Next Greatest Day of our Lives”

Friday, March 11, 2011 seemed to take forever to arrive. Again, as has been addressed several times, the wait, discomfort, frustration is a million times rougher on the woman than it is for the man. Jess’ back killed her, she couldn’t sleep, hated to walk and was done with the entire idea of hosting two human beings inside her uterus.

After 38 weeks of pregnancy, Jess was scheduled for a C-section. Waiting to come out were our darling twin boys, Logan and Jackson. At 1:05 and 1:06 PM they visited us for the very first time. All we wanted to hear were two sets of lungs pushing out screams. When that noise echoed off the operating room’s walls, the culmination of high hopes, disappointment, pain, frustration, tension, sadness, renewed optimism, and a new day culminated. At last we were complete. It was, again, the greatest day of our lives.

As we sat in the hospital room, holding the boys, Jess and I spent many moments reflecting on the previous 33 months. It was a journey neither one of us imagined. Who knew creating new life would take so much out of ours? As challenging as it was, we still felt grateful. Our lives, and souls for that matter, were turned inside-out. In the end, everything we had to go through was worth it. Every last bit of it.  We wouldn’t wish it upon anybody, but we’d do it over again if we had to.

AND FINALLY….

This story is indeed depressing and long. If you made it all the way to the end, thank you. For Jess and I, putting this stuff out there was not easy, but it feels good getting out. If you are experiencing infertility, just know that you really are not alone. It is an isolating experience, but there are others who are in the same situation. Google is a great resource, and you can find message boards and support groups. Knowing that you can bounce your frustrations off those who “get it” may help. Ultimately, we  consider ourselves lucky, in that we only went through IVF once. For some it takes longer, much longer. If at all. So if you know someone who doesn’t have children, but don’t know the story, please think before you ask. You just don’t know what they may be going through.

We didn’t use the name of our fertility specialist in this story, but if you want to send me a private email, I’d be happy to give you his name. He has given so many folks, like Jess and me, hope. And getting that back…well, it just changes everything. If you feel like hope is lost, this story is for you. If you are struggling through infertility, we are thinking about and praying for you. We may not  know you, but we understand how you feel. You are in our hearts. Hard as it may be, please try to keep your faith. Whether in God, in modern medicine, in the person you lay next to every night. Wherever you find that strength, go with it. And take care of each other…no matter what happens.You'll need each other now more than you'll ever know. 

Worth the wait...Logan & Jackson