Riddle Me This

People are attracted to twins. It’s a compulsion. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, people will stop and take a look. On line at the bank, waiting for an ambulance…doesn’t matter people want a piece of your miracle.  Sometimes they just hop on over and gaze wordlessly, mouth agape. If I looked at you like that in the park, you’d grab your belongings a little tighter and dial 9-1 on your cell phone with your index finger hovering over the next 1. 

But this kind of attention is just par for the course in the world of twindom. All babies get attention, but there is something even more compelling about twins. Let’s say on the train there is the most beautiful baby in the world. This little darling has perfectly round cheeks, a halo on its head, and is perched atop a unicorn. Sitting directly across from this gorgeous specimen are two squinty-eyed, pointy-eared, snot-covered cretins with “666” scrawled across their melon-heads in puppy blood. The next person on the train would immediately dart over to the mutants waifs, and start asking questions.

      Ohhhhhh, the questions. There are approximately ten questions that are consistently asked. Interactions with strangers typically consist of at least four of them. Jess and I have considered creating a sign for the double-stroller * that answers each of the ten questions before they are asked: 

1.   Boys.
2.   Yes, they’re twins.
3.    No, they’re fraternal.
4.    Jackson and Logan.
5.    First, second and last. At least that’s the plan (fake laugh).
6.    No, it doesn’t run in either family
7.    Yes, Jess’ mom helps out three days a week.
8.     A little…about five hours a night.
9.    That’s kind of personal, don’t you think?
10.    No, you can’t touch them.

It is worth noting that 99% of the folks who approach are very, very nice and well-intended. But after a while you start to feel like Lady GaGa walking through Times Square (only difference is we don’t want the attention…and we’re wearing pants).  So there’s a part of you that feels guilty for being so annoyed…but for the love of Pete, come up with some new questions:

1. Which one is smarter?
2.  If it came down to it, which one would you sell?
3.  Are you concerned that the smaller one doesn’t look like you?
4.  So, how  much do you figure you’ll spend on Pampers?
5.  Are their soft-spots hardening at the same rate?

Offensive? Gross? Sure. But that would at least give me a more interesting story to tell. And one hell of a blog post.

*Jess has threatened to throat-punch the next person who, upon seeing her with the double-stroller, asks, “You gotta license for that thing?”  Consider yourself warned.